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I guess some of you may think that this title is just clickbait, but I’ll be perfectly blunt and say, yes, I was cheated on.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while and it was quite difficult, even though I told everyone in my inner and somewhat outer circles about it in detail almost immediately after it happened. They all encouraged me not to say anything public about it at the moment. I guess they were concerned that I was going to expose details about the messages I found, the way I was completely sick right before I found out, or say how horrible of a human being he was. Truth is, the messages still haunt me, I was very sick, and he wasn’t so horrible.

A very Meh experience

Finding out he was cheating on me was as lackluster as the rest of my relationship. At first, I felt both my feet firmly on the ground. It was very real. There was no big fight. I didn’t have to physically kick him out. I hardly screamed the night it happened, except when I cried so hard I thought my heart was going to leave my body forever. Afterward, I did scream at him, but he even admitted pretty quickly to betraying me. He also stayed silent when I said I suspected she wasn’t the only one nor that it was the first time he had done this to me.

But I don’t want to focus on him. Contrary to the cheating incident, this is about me.

Liberation through separation

I’m not going to lie, finding out that your first love, the person who you were living with, and who you were so sure was your forever person was lying and looking for love elsewhere when I was dying without his affection, was devastating, and soul-crushing. It made me question everything about my self-worth as a human and as a woman.

And yet, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so liberated. I knew something was wrong for months, but he had an excuse every time I confronted him. After it happened, a lot of good things happened. For starters, I had always told him that cheating was the only thing I would’ve never tolerated. I kicked him out of the house a mere 4 hours after finding it out. He never spent the night again. I even felt disgusted he ever even touched me. Moreover, the big paper in my living room meant for my life goals for months was filled in the morning after. I then cut my hair, took myself out to a movie, and hung out with most of my cousins. And this was just the first weekend.

Our apartment had never really been his since all he did was complain, so I reclaimed the entire space for myself.

“I think about you constantly”, “good morning kissy face”, “your perfume is impregnated on my jacket and my car”

The Ultimate Confrontation

When we did meet 10 days after, I didn’t hold back. I said everything I wanted to say. “You have earned your place in hell along with (some of his family members who need not be mentioned)”. Then I said,

“I loved you deeply and completely. I was stronger than all the women in your family”

Being able to say that, even in tears, was a defining moment. He had always said I was weak for crying when I got upset. But when the time came, I didn’t hesitate to do what was right for me even though my heart ached.

The Aftermath Began

After this, both of my grandmothers said they were proud to be my grandmothers. Many women also started to open up and tell me similar things had happened to them and they supported me. The overwhelming approval and support made it easier to quiet the voices that annoyingly told me I caused it.

The hardest part though was not writing him. Not calling him when something amazing happened. I gave in only once, ok twice. Both times when I was disappointed with life: when my dog died and getting rejected from a master’s for the first time.

Confrontation Pt. 2

When we did meet again, he couldn’t stop staring at me. I looked my best, and I had an overwhelming feeling when I saw him. He smelled amazing as always, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I honestly felt like he had just gone on a long vacation, and was coming back to me. I tried to contain myself, but he inevitably noticed my smile. Then, I tried to play it off saying it was because of his weird beard (it looks like a carpet now).

When he came into the living room, I laid out all of his things on the living room table. I tried to act nonchalant as I walked into my bedroom and left him there. Finally, he was scared of me and I felt I had control and power in this situation. He then asked me to come out and we sorted through everything and eventually sat down to talk.

Nothing happened, but we hugged each other and both cried at different moments talking about how hard this had been. Without realizing it, this was the moment when I forgave him. He was finally communicating with me, the way I had always wanted him to. I was able to let go of all the toxic feelings I was holding against him and try to get him out of my mind. So many things were happening in my life at once, I couldn’t bear to hold on to this one too, and decided to let go.

I couldn’t let go of all the love yet, since it had only been 4 months since the breakup, but it did mark the beginning of me focusing more on myself.

Healing Pt. 1

When I started to feel lonely, I participated in a senior foster program for dogs. I took a wonderful dog named Snoopy in for a short period. I think he brought me back when the loneliness became too much for me to bear. This was my way to try to feel better, and he never needs to know how bad it got for me.

Why was the breakup so great?

I say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me because I had never really focused on myself before. I grew up feeling that I was never a priority and that thinking of what I wanted was selfish and would make people leave me. Being the good girl was my only objective, as well as complying with everything that was asked of me and not asking anything for myself as others needed it more than me.

When I did speak out for myself, it was often received with deception and sometimes anger, reverting me to what I call my Barbie persona. A stupid voice and attitude I adopt to keep people happy at my own expense. Thanking people for doing things I didn’t ask for or enjoy, and saying “yes, of course” to everything, even if I don’t want to. No wonder I’ve had horrible relationships. My exes probably didn’t even know who I was, they just knew Barbie.

The old me would have ignored the messages and weird behavior, assumed I was exaggerating, and kept my head down. Barbie would’ve thought about ways to make him forget her. She would’ve tried to convince herself it wasn’t happening. She may have even begged him to stop. But I locked Barbie away, Ceci wasn’t having it anymore.

It has taken me a long time to stop myself from catering to other people, but I’m trying. After this, now I laugh so much louder and harder than ever, and only if something makes me laugh. I go out if I want to, I date myself if I want to, I go to the movies if I feel like it, and don’t let anyone make me feel bad about my solo dates and enjoying time with myself.

Good things are still coming

At about a year and a half, I can confidently say that I am the master of my happiness. I am a strong woman who is looking for her place in this world and for a way to take care of herself.

So there it goes. A fucked up thing changed my perspective and made me reevaluate everything in my life. But I have to say that it took a village. My family, my friends, my therapist, and everyone who pitched in where they could.

One of my cousins even came the night it happened to bring me food and help me fix up my room so I could at least try to sleep that night. She then made a huge effort in trying to make me feel better and was constantly checking in on me. I will be forever grateful to her for that and so much more that she has done for me over the years. I could never have gotten here without everyone who loved me and tried to get me out of this horrible feeling of having someone in my life who didn’t love me or care enough to end things before it got so twisted.

“You’ve taken away my ability to call you a friend. To call you if something good happens or if I just want to talk. I can never do that now. We didn’t deserve to end like this”

Trying

I don’t think I’ll easily forget those disastrous text messages. Nor seeing audios and videos of him without a shirt on from inside my bedroom, or in his car when he texting her and not me. Or the, “I think about you constantly”, “good morning with a kissy face” or “your perfume is impregnated in my jacket and my car” (a smell I complained about).

I’ll admit that even writing this now still makes me uncomfortable. Reliving it is not something I want to do, but I’m writing this because I want to leave it here, and try to find a way to stop fleeting thoughts.

I need to give myself another chance at connecting with someone new and not feel that my one shot at love was this ex.

Hopefully, someday I will fill those horrible memories with more heart-warming ones. Like throwing away those files in my brain to put something good in. But until then, I feel at ease and so ready to take in the good things that are coming.

A Final Goodbye

I know he won’t read this, well maybe… who knows, but J… thank you for cheating on me and helping me fulfill the best version of myself. You did a lot for me, I can’t deny it. Because of you, I know what love is. I was able to be independent again. You were part of the inspiration to start this blog and my writing journey. More importantly, I know that I wasn’t afraid to do what I had to when the time came. Your turn is over and I’m taking over from now to eternity. If we ever meet again in this life, I hope it’s under better circumstances (I did actually say this last part to him in my last ever text message to him).